Forgiving Yourself

The ironic thing is, when you have a history of causing harm to yourself or others, the negative judgments you throw on yourself only compound the problem. Somehow, we have to move beyond merely critizising past actions, and wipe the slate clean. Such is the human condition: though we think that punishing ourselves will help us "smarten up," the real path to change is to admit and accept our faults. You see in my posts that I have a forgiving approach to human mistakes. I think, for example, that it is quite normal to find certain homeless people annoying, even as a social worker. In fact, until you acknowledge that you find other's behaviour frustrating, you are simply lying to yourself, and perpetuating the cycle. A recent study showed that people lie on average 3 times in a ten minute conversation. Is that ok? I think it has to be ok, if you are planning on getting more honest. People who make bad life choices are ruthless to themselves. They have no problem describing their mistakes in great detail. Sometimes, even those who want to help them will assist them in this destructive self-debasement. I call it the "kid-at-the-back-of-the-class" syndrome: If you feel like the "bad one," you perpetuate that role, and you try to be the best "bad kid" you can be. Furthermore, the teacher expects little of you, and there appears to be no way out.

Of course, the healing begins when we realize that everybody has spent their time at the back of the class in one form or another. We can't erase the facts, but we can forgive ourselves. I am writing this because I am personally struggling with some things I want to change. I still have a lot of judgments about people I help, and my judgments are interfering with my effectiveness. I am being helpful, but I think I can do just a little bit more by giving myself a break about being judgmental. We do the best we can with what we have.

Derek

Mercy

A lot of people on the street have made some questionable choices. Sometimes I hear people saying that the homeless have been oppressed, come from bad families, and that they are discriminated against. The economy has been blamed, genetics have been blamed, and large corporations have been blamed. Even the organizations that help people have been blamed for enabling. These are all influences. While it is true that there is a relationship between poverty, child abuse and homelessness, it is also true that street people at some point choose to continue what they are doing. While a bad economy and large multinational corporations wreak havok on communities, we still make decisions to sit back or take action. I want to be very clear here, so you don't think I am saying homeless people "got themselves into their mess, and they can get themselves out," which would be wrong. Basically, we cannot on one hand say that we want to "empower" street people, while saying that "it's not their fault." If it is not their fault, it is also out of their control, which is a state of powerlessness. This is the opposite of the truth. The truth is, many street people are enticed to suffering by bad influences, and get caught up in suffering on such a level that they forget that they chose to be there. Others have been simply pummeled by circumstances that no human could possibly get out of without help. Mental illness comes to mind as an example where the external influence is extremely large, and choice is obviously limited. Compulsive spending is perhaps on the other end of the spectrum, where conscious choice seems to be the larger cause. Again, a sudden disaster like an earthquake or death in the family presents a situation where options are limited, while an addiction issue seems to be more about personal options. Each homeless person finds themself somewhere between these two extremes, and the internal and external forces feed each other in a negative spiral. A person loses a loved one, starts drinking, and gives up. After some time, medical issues prevent basic employment, and the person is "stuck." Choice and not-choice.

I would like to present an easy solution to homelessness, or a magic "cure," but in reality, each situation is a delicate balance of recognizing what the client can do for themself, and where support is clearly needed. Making large sweeping generalizations about the street population, and subsequent policies that apply to everyone is ineffective and plain silly. We need to constantly assess and reassess clients. For that matter, we have to assess ourselves, and realize our own intentions in a given situation. A good social worker is fluid and as flexible as a reed in the wind, bending where needed to match the client in recovery. Ask lots of questions, be curious, and for goodness sake, be compassionate. Even if the person that has made a massive amount of mistakes still deserves mercy, because we all mess things up from time to time.

Understanding Poverty

I come from one of the poorest families that has ever existed in Canada, I'm sure. Despite the fact that I was born in 1969, long after the depression and all that other stuff, we slept in abandoned cars and houses, and were homeless and without food constantly. Most of the suffering that happened in my family came from deep unhappiness and emotional instability; the help was there, but we didn't take it.

It is very hard to explain poverty to someone who has not experienced it. While I have an education, and a bit of cash now, I still feel very uncomfortable in other people's houses. I feel like I am "dirty" or unworthy somehow. I have learned how to cope with this, and I have made incredible strides toward being "normal," but some of this "class awareness" will always be with me. I am also very sensitive about looking poor. I will go to great lengths to make sure my clothing is similar to the clothing of an upper or middle class person. It becomes a little weird when the current fashion is to look kind of hobo-ish and ratty. I am dressing down to dress up so people don't think I am forced to dress down by poverty... hmmm....
These are some of the silly things that go through the minds of the poor or formerly poor. It comes from the family rules of keeping things silent. Poor parents are afraid of having their kids taken away, so the kids are told to act normal. Learning that each one of us creates our own sense of normal is part of the healing that we must go through. I am simply a person doing what I feel is best in each situation, instead of having large judgements about intangible nuances of class and culture. This is maturity. For example, I used to spend enormous amounts of money on spontaneous things, especially the day after payday. I was compelled to blow my cash because I associated spending with power, and wealth. I know it seems silly, but telling a cabbie the address you wish to be driven to can feel empowering to someone who can rarely afford a trip on the bus, let alone a taxi. Now I look at each thing I wish to buy, and I ask myself if it fits my current situation. It took a LONG time and several thousands of dollars to reach this realization: spending money is a denial of poverty. Overcoming poverty is like overcoming anything; you have to do what's right for where you're at.

Derek