It takes a lot of time to get better, specifically if getting better involves changing major parts of one's lifestyle. When it comes to recovery from a high risk lifestyle, I tend to put more hope in younger people, simply because they have the time to work their stuff out. Yet, that doesn't doom anybody over 40, because we can all work at different speeds. I have seen people give up a lot of nasty habits overnight, and the recovery rate seems to reflect the serious nature of these folks. I, for example, started recovering from street life and drug use at 20, but I did not show up in university until I was 26. A 47-year-old friend I met gave up everything but smoking and showed up at the same school two years after his sudden lifestyle change. Not that post secondary education should be used as a ruler for success, but it does speak a lot about choice. Sure, young people have the advantage of time, but they take things less seriously, and consequently are taken less seriously. As Oscar Wilde once said "Youth is wasted on the young."
The further advantage of older recovering people is the level of experience they offer to new people in recovery. Somebody finally waking up at 53 can find some real hope in talking to a 60 year-old person who changed their life at 55. It can be daunting and humiliating for an older person to be facing an AA meeting full of young people, and it is a relief I'm sure to see others in the crowd they can relate to.
In any case, I have seen some amazing people do some amazing things when they have the fire of their own mortality chasing them. It is never too late.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Monday, March 28, 2005
Being Straight Up
Sometimes, when we in front-line social work decide to refuse services, we make excuses, or try to present a reasonable explanation for our decision. This may come in the form of "That's the rules," a way of diffusing the blame into a large organization or list of policies. It's easy, and it allows us to connect with the person in need while still refusing the service. Sometimes, it is hard to admit the real reason. Perhaps the person smells of alcohol, and services are being denied for the safety of other clients and staff. It is uncomfortable for those of us who wish to be "non-judgemental" to accuse somebody of drinking. We may have a gut feeling about the client, or we may in fact be dealing with a policy or funding issue, and unable to work around it. Whatever the case may be, we are there, having a difficult position, and wanting to explain it without having any confrontation.
It is important to keep in mind that any "behind the scenes" thoughts or judgments are likely to be picked up by the person we are working with. People who ask for help a lot are quite experienced with the different ways of saying no, and they have an uncanny ability to spot bullshit. Sometimes, the social worker may use a non-confrontational approach, be as nice as possible, and still find him/herself in a verbal conflict, because there are un-said things in the conversation. Of course, the loser in a conflict will usually be the street person, who may end up talking to the police or getting a ban as a result of not taking no for an answer.
Therefore, those of us who help professionally have a big responsibilty to be clear and honest about why services are being denied. We need to develop the skill of owning our decisions. Obviously, we can't use these skills in every situation. For example, a drunk person in a state of rage is hardly a receptive candidate for honesty. Still, we can follow a few simple principles to make sure we are not pulling the wool over the eyes of the people we are trying to help:
1) Take time to answer. Too often, confrontations happen because the two people are rushing to come to resolution without listening, or thinking about what is being said.
2) Speak with the classic "I" language. Avoid accusations, and try to replace "You're not allowed to..." with "I am not willing to let you..."
3) Trust your gut, and listen to your gut. If you have a suspicion about substance abuse, don't be afraid to say "I suspect you're high right now..."
4) Listen and reflect the frustration of the client. This is a simple-to-understand-yet-impossible-to-master type of skill.
5) Make sure your decision is clear. Are you saying no instinctively, or do you have a really good reason? Be clear to yourself about why you are saying no, it will help you communicate it.
6) Move slowly. Breathe. Relax.
I am not going to claim I have made much progress in the area of saying no, but I am aware that when I use some of the ideas above, outcomes are better. I would be interested to hear some other ideas on this topic. If you are lurking out there, please post, ok? Not only would it appease my ego to know that others are reading this stuff, it would create a collective understanding of the issue.
Derek Out...
It is important to keep in mind that any "behind the scenes" thoughts or judgments are likely to be picked up by the person we are working with. People who ask for help a lot are quite experienced with the different ways of saying no, and they have an uncanny ability to spot bullshit. Sometimes, the social worker may use a non-confrontational approach, be as nice as possible, and still find him/herself in a verbal conflict, because there are un-said things in the conversation. Of course, the loser in a conflict will usually be the street person, who may end up talking to the police or getting a ban as a result of not taking no for an answer.
Therefore, those of us who help professionally have a big responsibilty to be clear and honest about why services are being denied. We need to develop the skill of owning our decisions. Obviously, we can't use these skills in every situation. For example, a drunk person in a state of rage is hardly a receptive candidate for honesty. Still, we can follow a few simple principles to make sure we are not pulling the wool over the eyes of the people we are trying to help:
1) Take time to answer. Too often, confrontations happen because the two people are rushing to come to resolution without listening, or thinking about what is being said.
2) Speak with the classic "I" language. Avoid accusations, and try to replace "You're not allowed to..." with "I am not willing to let you..."
3) Trust your gut, and listen to your gut. If you have a suspicion about substance abuse, don't be afraid to say "I suspect you're high right now..."
4) Listen and reflect the frustration of the client. This is a simple-to-understand-yet-impossible-to-master type of skill.
5) Make sure your decision is clear. Are you saying no instinctively, or do you have a really good reason? Be clear to yourself about why you are saying no, it will help you communicate it.
6) Move slowly. Breathe. Relax.
I am not going to claim I have made much progress in the area of saying no, but I am aware that when I use some of the ideas above, outcomes are better. I would be interested to hear some other ideas on this topic. If you are lurking out there, please post, ok? Not only would it appease my ego to know that others are reading this stuff, it would create a collective understanding of the issue.
Derek Out...
Saturday, March 19, 2005
On Needs
Marshall B Rosenberg says that every person, every second, and in every place is trying to meet their basic needs with the best tools available. This simple idea lies at the heart of the Non-violent Communication theory. It reminds me of asking for help at a Salvation Army one day when I was about 17. They turned me away, but in a way which I found insulting. I got angry, and slammed the door on my way out, cursing and swearing at the staff. Perhaps at that point they simply put me into a "troubled" category. I know if someone storms out of our shelter despite my attempts to help, my first reaction is to judge them as "unhappy" or "ill." If I take a second, however, and think about the underlying need presented, I may have another option. Quite often when I was on the street, I would ask for things that I perhaps didn't need, but there was an underlying need to be heard, or empathized with.
For example, if I was bumming change, or a smoke, I took serious offence to people ignoring me. I would rather have a stern "No!" then averted eyes. Why? Perhaps because my underlying mode is to see if anyone cares. Really, the whole idea that "people don't care" tormented to no end when I was out there. I couldn't believe that people could walk by a 15 year old sleeping in a parkade without asking if I was ok. You know what would have been nice? Somebody saying "I see you, and I can't help you right now because I am busy with my life, but I do care..." Would that take much time? Not really. So why do we cross the street, or ignore those who make us feel uncomfortable? Well, I can speak for myself and say that I am afraid I will get lost in helping, that I will get "trapped" in a long-winded story about how hard someone's life is. I have stopped to help before, and found that the need is so great, I have to eventually detach myself to carry on with my day.
Yet couldn't I just take the time to be honest and validate a need for 3 seconds (the amount of time it would take to be honest)? Chances are it would take less energy, I would feel better about what I did, and I just may share a real awareness with another human. It doesn't seem so bad, but maybe a bit scary.
For example, if I was bumming change, or a smoke, I took serious offence to people ignoring me. I would rather have a stern "No!" then averted eyes. Why? Perhaps because my underlying mode is to see if anyone cares. Really, the whole idea that "people don't care" tormented to no end when I was out there. I couldn't believe that people could walk by a 15 year old sleeping in a parkade without asking if I was ok. You know what would have been nice? Somebody saying "I see you, and I can't help you right now because I am busy with my life, but I do care..." Would that take much time? Not really. So why do we cross the street, or ignore those who make us feel uncomfortable? Well, I can speak for myself and say that I am afraid I will get lost in helping, that I will get "trapped" in a long-winded story about how hard someone's life is. I have stopped to help before, and found that the need is so great, I have to eventually detach myself to carry on with my day.
Yet couldn't I just take the time to be honest and validate a need for 3 seconds (the amount of time it would take to be honest)? Chances are it would take less energy, I would feel better about what I did, and I just may share a real awareness with another human. It doesn't seem so bad, but maybe a bit scary.
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